Dear FedEx Home Delivery Man,

When in the heck are you going to be delivering my package from Louis Vuitton? You made your first attempt on Thursday, your second attempt on Friday, and now it seems that the package as vanished into thin air. I’ve been told that it’s on the truck for delivery, that you’ll make a third delivery attempt, and that it’ll be here before 8 p.m., yet YOU NEVER SHOW UP!!!!! The tracking number on www.fedex.com has no new tracking information since Friday, May 23rd.

Seriously dude, that handbag is totally not your style. And if you break the zipper, I WILL BE LIVID.

Sincerely,

Kim